dear r: one year later

dear r: one year later

dear r:

there was an instinct
to help you and to
pull you through to
let you seep into
my heart and stay.

but now i exhale to
push you away to
separate our pieces
to let go of an
enourmous and harming
love to be able to
inhale freely.

things fall apart so
that other things can
fall together and i
am ready to live.

love,

JANEisnotplain 8.22.09

exactly 1 year to the date after i left r.

dear r: but

dear r: but

dear r :

she held my hand.
she opened the car door for me.
she laughed hysterically with me.
she kept the conversation interesting.
she paid for my dinner in an overpriced restaurant.
she took me home tipsy.
she gave me three very delicate kisses.
she did everything perfectly.

but she isn’t you.

you would leave me empty handed.
you would never open my door.
you wouldn’t have laughed like that.
you would’ve had me pick up the tab.
you would’ve had me out all night.

but…

you would have kissed me with ferocity
that i can still feel eight months later.

i don’t miss you now.
i miss you then.

you were my art.
now your absence is.


JANEisnotplain 5.16.09


on more than just a date.

dear r: addiction

addiction


dear r / addiction:

fuck the inside of my
nervous system. strained.

i want to be so happy that
the windows blur my cornea.

i want to fall asleep in
someone else’s living room.

someone who doesn’t take
me for granted.

i don’t need you.
and i will prove it.

love,

JANEisnotplain 5.09

dear r: ends

dear r: ends

dear r:

i let you hurt me
from the inside out
but now i am seeing
the end of things and
i am beginning things
knowing their end.

i love my own self
with a despair that
astonishes these
pale wrists that
move over this
yellowed page.

i am no longer
fractured ,fragile
or easily loved.

here the ground
everywhere is
decadent with
rose petals.

isn’t that what you
wanted to hear?

i am sorry to dis-
appoint you but
i will not let you
hurt me ever again.

love,

JANEisnotplain 5.09

dear r : playing

dear r : playing


are you finished playing games yet?
do you think you are the only one
who knows how or notices now
that players are shifting places?

perhaps i orchestrated this
entire scene you’re living in
and you only think you are
in control.

maybe your game is a
subset of mine and only
i have the secret code.

but you may never know
because you are too busy
playing.

happy april fool's day...

JANEisnotplain 3.31.09

3.10.09 dear r: the letter i am not sending

3.10.09 dear r: the letter i am not sending


dear r:

the letter i am not sending you is very angry. / the letter i am not sending you is full of salty tears.

the letter i am not sending you wants answers. /answers you cannot give me because / you yourself do not know.

the letter i am not sending you calls you a liar. / who is apparently living her own reality.

the letter i am not sending is to tell you / how stupid and how violated i feel. / that i let you. / and that you did.

the letter i am not sending you wants to / thank you for that parting gift. / thank you for not owning up to your dirty sex.

the letter i am not sending you wants you to feel / as badly as i did. / wants you to feel this loneliness. / wants you to feel this worthless and / this unattractive.

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that / you took all but the best part of me. /

this letter i am not sending you is to remind you that even after all that manipulation you /still never could finger that best part / to mark it with your rotten claws .

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that/ you dug to the bottom of me / to still find water. / my ocean.

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that / the best part of me still wells love.

the letter i am not sending you is purposeful./ because my silence is the most / loving gesture i can offer you. / now.

the letter i am not sending you is exactly what / you never gave. / me. / to not tell you. / you’re soulless. / to not tell you.

using. / user. / used up. / use up someone else. / not me.

the letter i am not sending you is this one.

love,

JANEisnotplain 3.10.09

dear r: happy anniversary (#5)

happy anniversary (#5)


dear r :

i ate your poisonous li[n]es like
candies that fell from your
preciousness and mouth and
i leapt from my tresses but now

i am drawn and quartered on your page
you cut me into pieces with your tongue
until my lips, my breasts, my hips,
the very dip of my wonton hollows
are splayed and interpreted by you
breaking my ribs and reaching in,
to hold up my heart in one hand and
love in the other, eating them hungrily
oblivious to the blood between your fingers

have you no shame?

well, i have washed your scent
and now i am cleansed
your color is washed from
my trembling creek
leaving only stains on
the walls of my memory

happy anniversary, love


JANEisnotplain 3.8.09

dear r: just a phase

dear r: just a phase


dear r:

do you want to know
what it was like when i left you?

at first it was way too quiet and
i did nothing but read and write
and i spent most of my time
falling down stairs of words
but this was just a phase

there was mourning, there was grief
there was pain and i told the moon
or whomever would listen to just
leave me alone but
this was just a phase

do you want me to say i was
bleeding on the bathroom floor?
do you want me to say i was
holes and dents in furniture?
do you want me to say i was
just evaporating ?

i am not where i belong but
i will get over this wreckage
its just a phase


JANEisnotplain 2.09

2.24.09

2.24.09

dear r:


so far life has just meant that
if i am cut i will be healed and
it will happen a thousand times

but with you it has been
vodka mixed with punch
my lips on the rim taking
slow sips with salt licks
because i trusted you and

that will only happen once


copyright JANEisnotplain 2.09

dear r,

i was too deep; stuck upside down
inside this wound rooted to earth
by your stubborn eyes pulling me
away like a silly dream.

i hung from your manipulative fingertips
my arms over stretching
no grip.
slide.
erased.

it’s not that i don’t miss
your eyes your face your voice
its the fact that i no longer want
to feel their stained residue
on my clean skin

but every time i start to heal i/you
pick at the scab. i bleed. i dig
deeper. my fingers weep over
hands misplaced around my
heart

wouldn’t that be ironic if i
choked on a full heart that
refused to be broken?

JANEisnotplain 2.09

STAIN

stain

you never think of
the fruit of a rose
the flower is too dark
and wonderful and you
forget its only a prelude.

rose hips stain the snow
now,like blood splatter and
you should be warned that
her kiss will leave toxins
soaking in your skin.


JANEisnotplain 2.09