dear r: emotional truth

dear r: emotional truth


dear r:

was that really just a dream?
it blurred at the edges and
bled at the seams then it
dissolved like ash in water.

the image faded like a
disappearing photograph
but still i cannot ignore
the simple emotional truth.

how i miss you, endlessly.


love,

JANEisnotplain 8.22.10

exactly 2 years after i left r

dear r : like

dear r:

loving you was like
jumping off a bridge.

i was falling into it
falling forward
falling down
falling fast
falling head over
falling to my death
falling for you
falling in love.

it was a rush
it was real
it was painful
it was remarkable
it was confusing
it was simple
it was such a
beautiful mistake.

leaving you was like
swimming to the edge.

to saving grace
to letting go
to beginnings
to newness
to who i am

i didn’t fall for you.
you tripped me.

for my body
for my sex
for my heart
for my soul
for my thoughts
for my voice

i chose to love you
my mistake. my bad.

Love, JANEisnotplain 7.23.10

she called me

she called me

she called me baby,

lover, jane, sweet t

with a joint in one

hand grace in the

other she whispered

cavalier fairy tales

into my longing ears.

she caught me tongue

tied, rapt, starry eyed,

with a pen in one hand,

glory in the other, i ate

her sickly angel food

while she painted on

me indelible lines.

she called me the fuel

for her fire but with a

knife in one hand and

my heart in the other,

she drank my love and

sang her misplaced blues

over my lifeless body.

she called me baby,

lover, jane, sweet t,

but i don’t call her

anymore.

JANEisnotplain 4.11.10

dear r 1.2.10

dear r,

yes i miss you.

everyday usually

at some point or

another i miss you

so much i want us

you back but you

and i were not meant

to be forever, at least

love,

JANEisnotplain 1.2.10

dear r: one year later

dear r: one year later

dear r:

there was an instinct
to help you and to
pull you through to
let you seep into
my heart and stay.

but now i exhale to
push you away to
separate our pieces
to let go of an
enourmous and harming
love to be able to
inhale freely.

things fall apart so
that other things can
fall together and i
am ready to live.

love,

JANEisnotplain 8.22.09

exactly 1 year to the date after i left r.

dear r: but

dear r: but

dear r :

she held my hand.
she opened the car door for me.
she laughed hysterically with me.
she kept the conversation interesting.
she paid for my dinner in an overpriced restaurant.
she took me home tipsy.
she gave me three very delicate kisses.
she did everything perfectly.

but she isn’t you.

you would leave me empty handed.
you would never open my door.
you wouldn’t have laughed like that.
you would’ve had me pick up the tab.
you would’ve had me out all night.

but…

you would have kissed me with ferocity
that i can still feel eight months later.

i don’t miss you now.
i miss you then.

you were my art.
now your absence is.


JANEisnotplain 5.16.09


on more than just a date.

dear r: addiction

addiction


dear r / addiction:

fuck the inside of my
nervous system. strained.

i want to be so happy that
the windows blur my cornea.

i want to fall asleep in
someone else’s living room.

someone who doesn’t take
me for granted.

i don’t need you.
and i will prove it.

love,

JANEisnotplain 5.09