dear r: haunted

 

dear r: haunted

dear r:

how do i rid myself of

the aversion, the bitter

taste in my mouth?

how do the words

escape me? how

come i can’t seem

to cry?

how do i tell you that

you were a beautiful

mistake, the sum of

all my errors and faults?

how can i relate my

disappointment? or

share with you my

heartache and pain?

how is it that now,

though we are long

over, I still feel longing?

how do i say that i

can no longer love

you, though to my

dismay, sometimes

i still do.

love,

JANEisnotplain 11.4.2012

in response to a randomn communication 10.20.2012

dear r: true

dear r: true

 dear r:

it might have been better

if you wouldn’t have told

me that love wasn’t something for

those generic kerouacs but for the

silent [   ] deep inside of me

that if you were leaving it was

not because you thought my life

would be better without you

that love isn’t exclusive but

rather changes, as we do

and i wish you all the happiness

that is not mine to give

and i hope that your conclusion

of this greatest lie

isn’t what i have found

to be

true.

love,

JANEisnotplain 10.28.12

do not touch

dear r:

i remember walking

to the park to pick roses

the sign clearly read

“Do not touch”, but you

would say otherwise

and i would carry the

rose home carefully

in my hands and love

her, thorns and all.

Happy anniversary

Love,

JANEisnotplain 3.8.3012

dear r: used 10.27.11

dear r: used 10.27.11

Dear r,

You

used

to

Love

Me

well.

well,

You,

Me,

used

to

Love

to

Love

well,

You

used

Me

Love

You

well

Me

used

to

used

to

Love

You

well.

love,

JANEisnotplain 10.27.2011

dear r: happy anniversary, again

dear r: happy anniversary, again

dear r:

i remember you with

distant eyes and a sweetly

addictive smile. always

a trick up your sleeve and

a circus in your soul but

you were a magician with

your fingertips on my [  ].

you were a jester, often

mistaken for a queen, a

lesson-giver who took [  ]

without warning and who

sang everyone else’s song

just to soothe her own.

the lies you told were

infinite, like a snake that

ate itself, choked, and

expelled poison but, at

least it shed the truth.

.

you were cunning and i

was the fool. you played

my edges and i fell for

you with an open heart

and soft wet secret petals.

love,            JANEisnotplain

on our anniversary, 3 years later

dear r: realized

 dear r:

[  ] that you have forgotten me.

[at least i imagine so]

i hear the haunting click of the key

and your words come back,

their meaning finally understood.

love,

JANEisnotplain 1.21.11

dear r : still 9.15.10

dear r:  still

all the fires have gone out.

we have since returned to

our opposite corners where

we have remained silent. and

still everything in life goes on.

newly wed to our distance the 

days still become the cold dark.

and in this nothing, everything

that was still exists. the coming

chill, the approaching change.

the fact that i still love you but

i do not trust you.

some one else, some place else,

some thing to ease this  cooling

ache. i wish i could ignore [  ],

forget about [  ], but i did like

the parts of [  ] that hurt and

astonished me. a little.

i don’t know what i expected on

that first day i saw you but you

were just unforgettable then and

that is precisely the problem now

that and the fact that i still love

you but i do not trust you.

perhaps i am drowning in the

still-ness of it all. doesn’t it feel

like a new year? a blank un-lined

page full of words that we do not

say.. like i am still here.

love,      JANEisnotplain  9.15.10

                                   

dear r: emotional truth

dear r: emotional truth


dear r:

was that really just a dream?
it blurred at the edges and
bled at the seams then it
dissolved like ash in water.

the image faded like a
disappearing photograph
but still i cannot ignore
the simple emotional truth.

how i miss you, endlessly.


love,

JANEisnotplain 8.22.10

exactly 2 years after i left r

dear r : like

dear r:

loving you was like
jumping off a bridge.

i was falling into it
falling forward
falling down
falling fast
falling head over
falling to my death
falling for you
falling in love.

it was a rush
it was real
it was painful
it was remarkable
it was confusing
it was simple
it was such a
beautiful mistake.

leaving you was like
swimming to the edge.

to saving grace
to letting go
to beginnings
to newness
to who i am

i didn’t fall for you.
you tripped me.

for my body
for my sex
for my heart
for my soul
for my thoughts
for my voice

i chose to love you
my mistake. my bad.

Love, JANEisnotplain 7.23.10

she called me

she called me

she called me baby,

lover, jane, sweet t

with a joint in one

hand grace in the

other she whispered

cavalier fairy tales

into my longing ears.

she caught me tongue

tied, rapt, starry eyed,

with a pen in one hand,

glory in the other, i ate

her sickly angel food

while she painted on

me indelible lines.

she called me the fuel

for her fire but with a

knife in one hand and

my heart in the other,

she drank my love and

sang her misplaced blues

over my lifeless body.

she called me baby,

lover, jane, sweet t,

but i don’t call her

anymore.

JANEisnotplain 4.11.10

dear r 1.2.10

dear r,

yes i miss you.

everyday usually

at some point or

another i miss you

so much i want us

you back but you

and i were not meant

to be forever, at least

love,

JANEisnotplain 1.2.10

dear r: one year later

dear r: one year later

dear r:

there was an instinct
to help you and to
pull you through to
let you seep into
my heart and stay.

but now i exhale to
push you away to
separate our pieces
to let go of an
enourmous and harming
love to be able to
inhale freely.

things fall apart so
that other things can
fall together and i
am ready to live.

love,

JANEisnotplain 8.22.09

exactly 1 year to the date after i left r.

dear r: but

dear r: but

dear r :

she held my hand.
she opened the car door for me.
she laughed hysterically with me.
she kept the conversation interesting.
she paid for my dinner in an overpriced restaurant.
she took me home tipsy.
she gave me three very delicate kisses.
she did everything perfectly.

but she isn’t you.

you would leave me empty handed.
you would never open my door.
you wouldn’t have laughed like that.
you would’ve had me pick up the tab.
you would’ve had me out all night.

but…

you would have kissed me with ferocity
that i can still feel eight months later.

i don’t miss you now.
i miss you then.

you were my art.
now your absence is.


JANEisnotplain 5.16.09


on more than just a date.

dear r: addiction

addiction


dear r / addiction:

fuck the inside of my
nervous system. strained.

i want to be so happy that
the windows blur my cornea.

i want to fall asleep in
someone else’s living room.

someone who doesn’t take
me for granted.

i don’t need you.
and i will prove it.

love,

JANEisnotplain 5.09

dear r: ends

dear r: ends

dear r:

i let you hurt me
from the inside out
but now i am seeing
the end of things and
i am beginning things
knowing their end.

i love my own self
with a despair that
astonishes these
pale wrists that
move over this
yellowed page.

i am no longer
fractured ,fragile
or easily loved.

here the ground
everywhere is
decadent with
rose petals.

isn’t that what you
wanted to hear?

i am sorry to dis-
appoint you but
i will not let you
hurt me ever again.

love,

JANEisnotplain 5.09

dear r : playing

dear r : playing


are you finished playing games yet?
do you think you are the only one
who knows how or notices now
that players are shifting places?

perhaps i orchestrated this
entire scene you’re living in
and you only think you are
in control.

maybe your game is a
subset of mine and only
i have the secret code.

but you may never know
because you are too busy
playing.

happy april fool's day...

JANEisnotplain 3.31.09

3.10.09 dear r: the letter i am not sending

3.10.09 dear r: the letter i am not sending


dear r:

the letter i am not sending you is very angry. / the letter i am not sending you is full of salty tears.

the letter i am not sending you wants answers. /answers you cannot give me because / you yourself do not know.

the letter i am not sending you calls you a liar. / who is apparently living her own reality.

the letter i am not sending is to tell you / how stupid and how violated i feel. / that i let you. / and that you did.

the letter i am not sending you wants to / thank you for that parting gift. / thank you for not owning up to your dirty sex.

the letter i am not sending you wants you to feel / as badly as i did. / wants you to feel this loneliness. / wants you to feel this worthless and / this unattractive.

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that / you took all but the best part of me. /

this letter i am not sending you is to remind you that even after all that manipulation you /still never could finger that best part / to mark it with your rotten claws .

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that/ you dug to the bottom of me / to still find water. / my ocean.

the letter i am not sending you is to tell you that / the best part of me still wells love.

the letter i am not sending you is purposeful./ because my silence is the most / loving gesture i can offer you. / now.

the letter i am not sending you is exactly what / you never gave. / me. / to not tell you. / you’re soulless. / to not tell you.

using. / user. / used up. / use up someone else. / not me.

the letter i am not sending you is this one.

love,

JANEisnotplain 3.10.09

dear r: happy anniversary (#5)

happy anniversary (#5)


dear r :

i ate your poisonous li[n]es like
candies that fell from your
preciousness and mouth and
i leapt from my tresses but now

i am drawn and quartered on your page
you cut me into pieces with your tongue
until my lips, my breasts, my hips,
the very dip of my wonton hollows
are splayed and interpreted by you
breaking my ribs and reaching in,
to hold up my heart in one hand and
love in the other, eating them hungrily
oblivious to the blood between your fingers

have you no shame?

well, i have washed your scent
and now i am cleansed
your color is washed from
my trembling creek
leaving only stains on
the walls of my memory

happy anniversary, love


JANEisnotplain 3.8.09

dear r: just a phase

dear r: just a phase


dear r:

do you want to know
what it was like when i left you?

at first it was way too quiet and
i did nothing but read and write
and i spent most of my time
falling down stairs of words
but this was just a phase

there was mourning, there was grief
there was pain and i told the moon
or whomever would listen to just
leave me alone but
this was just a phase

do you want me to say i was
bleeding on the bathroom floor?
do you want me to say i was
holes and dents in furniture?
do you want me to say i was
just evaporating ?

i am not where i belong but
i will get over this wreckage
its just a phase


JANEisnotplain 2.09

2.24.09

2.24.09

dear r:


so far life has just meant that
if i am cut i will be healed and
it will happen a thousand times

but with you it has been
vodka mixed with punch
my lips on the rim taking
slow sips with salt licks
because i trusted you and

that will only happen once


copyright JANEisnotplain 2.09